9 MARKERS: Tips for Showing Uncommon Care

JOIN the conversation as Erika Otto & Dianne DeKoning are interviewed by Larry Ely about one of the 9 Markers topics: Uncommon Care + Acceptance. Erika is the Student Ministries Pastor at a growing church in Washington state. Dianne serves with YoungLife’s middle school ministry called ‘Wyldlife’ in Minnesota.

Being a teenager can be tough! Providing safe and caring environments for students can have a huge impact on them and open the door for real growth. Check out these 5 Tips for Showing Uncommon Care.

1.The Value of Uncommon Care and Acceptance

QUESTION: Why is showing uncommon care & acceptance so valuable in youth ministry?

Erika:

One of the things our staff has talked about is that church is the place you can go where attendance, school, grades, or whether your team did well or not doesn’t matter. It’s one place you can just show up because YOU are YOU, and we CARE about YOU. Students can come be themselves and not have all those pressures.

Our students know that they always have a place here in our youth ministry. Our students know that, but their friends don’t know that yet. So, we encourage them to bring their friends so they can experience it too.

Dianne:

Everybody wants to be known. Uncommon care means: I KNOW YOU; I know your name; I know something about you, and I care about the things that you care about. We all want to go places where people receive us well, so we try to create an accepting environment.

It’s about creating a place of belonging. You belong here. There is a seat for you here. There are people happily greeting you. You may or may not feel accepted at other places, but we want you to feel SEEN and KNOWN here.

Conversation Summary:

Our youth ministries need to be places where students are valued for who they are, not for their achievements, grades, or extracurricular success. Our churches should be unique environments where students feel welcomed regardless of their background or performance elsewhere. The goal is to make every student feel known and cared for in our ministries. By building healthy relationships with students it opens the door for spiritual growth and life transformation.

2.Practical Ways to Show Care and Acceptance

QUESTION: What are some practical ways that you & your team show students you care?

Erika: 

One of the things I like to ask students is: What is the coolest thing that happened this week? Maybe this kid got an ‘A’ on a math test or I recently talked to this middle school girl who had a raccoon tooth in her purse. Uncommon care opens the door for students to share more.

Larry: Wait! What? Why did she have a RACCOON TOOTH in her purse?

Erika: They found a raccoon skeleton on the playground. Lol! 

I might ask students: What’s the coolest thing you have learned this week? Maybe they learned nothing at school, but learned how to make this contraption at home. I like to think outside the box and ask a different set of questions than they normally get from people. 

Dianne:

If I know that a student is an athlete or musician, I offer to go to a game or a concert. Hey, I would love to come watch you! Can you send me a date or time? I will try to come to one of your basketball games if you let me know when. It’s important to try to do the extra things to show you care.

PRO TIPS: Quick things your team can do to show students that you care…

• Send a text to say “Hi”

• Send a handwritten note or card

• Ask a student how you can pray for them

• Remember their name

• Share food

• Notice something fun & unique about them

• Try to connect with students’ families as well

• Brag on them to their parents

• Celebrate milestones in their lives

Conversation Summary:

When we take tangible actions to show we care it helps build trust and shows students that they are genuinely valued as individuals with unique stories. Take some time to celebrate milestones like baptisms, driver’s licenses, graduations, or special events. Demonstrating that we care by asking them about their week, sending a note, sharing a snack, or attending their activities helps them feel seen and known.

3.Building a Caring and Accepting Environment

QUESTION: How do you build a caring and accepting environment?

Dianne:

This year I asked our small group: What do we want to be known for? Do we want to be known for: listening well, respecting each others, being quiet, and sharing real answers. They responded with “yes” we want to be known for all those things. The question helped them engage in setting a positive culture for our small group.

Erika:

Sharing clear expectations and inviting them into the process builds ownership. When we share guidelines and set the tone for our group it promotes honest sharing. We say ‘What’s shared here stays here, unless it’s harmful to you or someone else.’

PRO TIP: Sometimes we all need a do-over. We might say the wrong thing, poke fun, react poorly, or respond badly in the moment. If that happens, offer people a “RE-DO”. For instance, when a student makes fun of another student say, “Becca that was not a great comment or response. Can you try that again?” OR for example, I threw out a kid’s half drank can of pop, and he got mad. So, I took a “RE-DO” and brought him a new one later- just to show him I cared.

CASE STUDY:

One day, our middle schoolers were extra rambunctious. We had a kid interrupt the group with a random story. If we want to be known as a caring place, we need to handle disruptions well. I said, “I care so much about what you have to say, but can you please write it down so we can come back to it later because our current topic is really important.” I gave him paper and markers that I had on hand. It showed that I cared, but let us continue on with the discussion.

PRO TIP: Have an overly talkative group? Give them suckers; it keeps their mouths busy.

Conversation Summary:

It’s not always easy to build a caring environment. To foster a safe and open small group, leaders need to set clear expectations and involve students in defining group culture. It is important for leaders to set healthy boundaries, model vulnerability, correct negative behaviors, provide positive reinforcement, and encourage group participation. These practices create an environment where students feel safe to share and support each other.

4.Long-Term Benefits of a Caring Culture

QUESTION: What are the benefits & how does it help when you have a caring culture in your youth group?

Dianne & Erika:

They keep coming back! Students want to be there. Leaders want to keep volunteering. A caring culture builds on itself so you are not starting at ground zero every year. Also, a caring environment creates longevity and the longer you get to hangout with the students the greater the depth in their lives.

ERIKA’S CASE STUDY:

I am walking this road right now. I had a student named Kayla who had a friend that was in ROTC and needed volunteer hours. Her friend, Gina, was wondering where to volunteer; why not church? So this high school girl who doesn’t go to our youth group and isn’t a Christian yet got involved in serving in our coffee bar. It was great because her family left her on her own to explore faith and religion, and now she gets to be around other believers. It’s cool that Kayla knew her friend, who doesn’t know Jesus, would be okay and be cared for on the coffee bar team. 

DIANNE’S CASE STUDY:

A middle school boy named Parker came to our Wyldlife group this year, but he didn’t like it because it was too loud. So, he hasn’t joined us for a while. However, my care of Parker is not dependent on his appearance at our program. 

Parker got an electric scooter recently, and he went by my house this week. Parker’s mom said he told her he wanted to stop by and say ‘Hi’ to me. I didn’t know I had made such an impact on him. His mom told me “You might get a knock on your door sometime.” It’s great because they know you care and are a safe person. I invited Parker to come to our group and try it again. It’ s those small drips in the bucket that say “I care about you” that make a difference.

PRO TIP: Do the good work early because you might not see the fruit for a long time.

Conversation Summary:

A culture of care and acceptance leads to increased student retention, deeper relationships, and a greater willingness to invite friends. Leaders and students are more likely to stay engaged over time, allowing for deeper spiritual growth. The fruits of this culture may not be immediately visible but can have lasting impact, sometimes resurfacing years later when students seek guidance or community.

5.Enemies and Pitfalls to Building a Caring Culture

QUESTION: What are some enemies to building a caring culture & how can we avoid the pitfalls to a healthy community?

Drama: I just met with a local youth pastor and he asked me “How do I deal with girl drama?”  I deal with it head on and right away. I address things that are not in line with what we want to be known for. -Erika

Indifference: One of my graduating seniors said “Embrace the Cringe”; don’t be nonchalant; care about things. When they were younger that was not the case, but now they get it. You being indifferent does not build the culture we are looking for. -Erika

Ghosting: I don’t take ghosting personally. When I go to the lunch room at school, the kids I know all stare at me like they have never seen me before. When I see them at school, they don't want to acknowledge that they know me. You can’t take it personally, there is still something supernatural going on. Still show you care even if they don’t respond. -Dianne

More Enemies:

• Gossip, sarcasm, criticism, trying to be too cool, teasing, bullying, negative comments, cliques, and exclusiveness can sabotage a caring community.

• Other obstacles include creating drama that doesn’t exist, spending too much time on catching up and not getting into the Bible, and not taking time to disciple students along the way.

• The attitude of the leaders is contagious. If you are grumpy, upset, and are not regulated then they will be too. You and your team really set the tone for the group.

Conversation Summary:

There are many enemies to building a healthy community. Setting the right tone and correcting negative behaviors are essential for maintaining a healthy environment. Leaders must address toxic behaviors quickly and directly to prevent them from taking root. In addition, youth leaders must be intentional about moving the conversation from just socializing to digging deeper into students’ lives, diving into the topic, and applying truth from God’s Word.

CLOSING TIPS:

• Genuine care matters; teenagers know when you care. -Dianne

• There is a lot we can’t control, but showing we care is one thing we can control. -Erika

ERIKA OTTO: LEAD222 CERTIFIED COACH

DIANNE DEKONING: LEAD222 CERTIFIED COACH

Interview: with Erika Otto and Dianne DeKoning by Larry Ely • Posted: June 2026